The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
