There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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