Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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