i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
