I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she pinky promised me she was 18
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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