one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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