Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
