I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize