I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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