Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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