He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
