Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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