Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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