Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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