the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
