Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
