Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
