I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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