I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
