he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
