I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
