Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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