If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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