please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
