Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am midnight drunk by noon
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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