Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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