I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
