She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
In America we eat man semen.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
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I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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