headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
