I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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