So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
