At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
