So drunk its hurt
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
