Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
