Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
