Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
