A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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