Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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