anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
