All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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