i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
