Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
