Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My ass is underappreciated
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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