I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
