I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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