My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
