Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
