Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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