I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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