Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
