maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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