we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
