I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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