when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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