I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
